Friday, December 24, 2010

The One with "Surat Utk Suami...."

Abang, suami yang disayangi,

Surat ini Zaujah tulis dengan hati yang terus menerus berdoa agar Abang dan Zaujah berjaya mengatasi apa jua halangan dalam perjalanan kita mendapat keredaan Allah. Hingga kini Zaujah terus yakin jika kita mencari kebaikan, insya-Allah, Allah akan memberikannya.

Terlebih dahulu ingin Zaujah nyatakan bahawa dalam apa jua pergolakan dan ujian yang telah berlaku sepanjang kita berumah tangga, Zaujah tetap menghormati Abang. Walaupun ada masanya sikap dan kata-kat Zaujah terlanjur dan terkasar, itu bukanlah kerana Zaujah sudah tidak  menghormati Abang apatah lagi membenci Abang… tetapi semua itu kerana terlalu sayang. Zaujah tidak mahu kehilangan diri Abangsebagai seorang suami.

Maafkan Zaujah. Zaujahlah yang lebih banyak bersalah dan tidak bijak menghadapi ujian rumah tangga ini. Sesungguhnya sejak dari dulu hingga sekarang Zaujah menagih pimpinan dan panduan Abang. Pimpinlah Zaujah untuk menjadi isteri yang solehah dan bakal ibu yang baik kepada anak-anak kita. Zaujah tidak mahu berpisah dengan semua kesayangan Zaujah ini. Oleh sebab itu Zaujah merayu agar Zaujah terus disayangi, dilindungi, dipercayai dan dipimpin untuk menjadi wanita yang benar-benar menjadi penyeri hidup seorang suami.

Kebahagiaan kita sekeluarga berada di tangan aband. Abanglah yang menjadi peneraju dan nakhoda rumah tangga ini. Zaujah tahu tugas dan amanah ini sangat berat. Ia menagih keikhlasan, keimanan dan kejujuran yang tinggi daripada Abang. Zaujah sedar apa yang akan ditanyakan Allah di Hari Akhirat kelak kepada seorang suami sebagai pemimpin jauh lebih berat dan sukar dijawab berbanding pertanyaan Allah kepada seorang isteri. Zaujah tahu tangung jawab Abang sangat berat. Jadi Zaujah sentiasa sedia dan setia berada di sisi Abang untuk sama-sama mengharungi kepayahan ini.

Marilah sama-sama kita insafi bahawa hakikatnya umur kita kian bertambah, upaya dan tenaga kita semakin kurang, tetapi perjalanan kita masih jauh dan beban kita semakin memberat. Amanah yang ada pun belum selesai kita tunaikan, apatah lagi untuk menambah beban yang baru. Zaujah bimbang… kita berdua akan kecundang.

Oleh sebab itulah Zaujah sering mengingatkan diri Zaujah dan diri Abang, marilah kita kembali menilai peranan dan tanggung jawab kita masing-masing. Zaujah sebagai seorang isteri dan Abang sebagai seorang suami… Marilah kita sama-sama bermuhasabah, apakah kita telah melaksanakan amanah yang kita janjikan di hadapan Allah ketika kita mula bernikah dahulu?

Pernikahan disamakan dengan mendirikan masjid. Begitu sucinya ikatan perkahwinan dalam Islam. Ia bukan dibuat hanya kerana untuk melepaskan hawa nafsu semata-mata. Jika itulah sahaja niat kita berkahwin, maka apakah yang membezakan manusia dengan haiwan? Tetapi sebaliknya, Islam meletakkan hubungan sah antara suami dan isteri sebagai suatu yang sangat tinggi dan suci.

Ia bukan sahaja perkongsian fizikal, tetapi perkongsian fikiran, perasaan dan jiwa untuk sama-sama berbakti kepada Allah. Rumah tangga hakikatnya adalah sebuah masjid… Di dalam masjid orang solat, berzikir, membaca Al Quran, mendengar tazkirah kuliah dan lain-lain ibadah.

Zaujah rindukan semua itu. Tetapi kerinduan itu tidak akan kesampaian tanpa bimbangan dari Abang. Zaujah lemah wahai suamiku. Pimpinlah Zaujah untuk mendapat kasih sayang Allah melalui aliran kasih sayang Abang. Abanglah harapan Zaujah. Zaujah hakikatnya telah diserahkan oleh Allah sebagai amanah kepada diri Abang untuk disayangi di dunia dan di akhirat. Janganlah disia-siakan amanah ini. Kelak buruk padahnya kepada Zaujah dan kepada Abang jua. Relakah Abang melihat Zaujah terkapa-kapa di dunia ini tanpa pimpinan? Dan di akhirat terhumban ke neraka yang penuh seksaan?

Abang,

Atas kebimbangan itu kekadang Zaujah jadi cemburu. Bila Zaujah lihat langkah dan sikap Abang sedikit terbabas, Zaujah menjadi sangat cemas. Bila Zaujah lihat Abang seakan-akan berubah, Zaujah menjadi sangat gelisah. Bukan kerana benci, tetapi kerana sayang. Mengapa tidak? Bukankah di tangan Abang kemudi rumah tangga ini.

Kesilapan dan kesalahan Abang sangat buruk akibatnya kepada kita sekeluarga. Jadi, fahamilah hati isteri mu ini wahai suami… Curiga Zaujah bukan kerana prasangka. Cemburu Zaujah bukan kerana melulu. Jauh sekali untuk mengawal dan memperbudak-budakan. Tetapi sekadar ingin mengingatkan bahawa kebakaran yang memusnahkan selalunya berpunca hanya daripada percikan api!

Di antara kita adalah Allah. DIAlah zat yang Maha Melihat, Maha Mendengar dan Maha Adil. Manusia tidak akan dapat mengawal dan memantau manusia lain setiap masa dan ketika. Kini Zaujah pasrah kepada Allah. Zaujah lelah dan kalah untuk meneliti dan memeriksa di seluruh penjuru. Zaujah tidak dapat mengawal hati Abang dan Abang juga tidak dapat mengawal hati Zaujah.

Hati kita berdua, Allahlah yang menjadi pemantaunya. Menyedari hakikat ini, Zaujah kini hanya fokus untuk memperbaiki diri. Zaujah ingin memperbaiki hubungan Zaujah dengan Allah dan memperbaiki hubungan Zaujah dengan sesama manusia. Zaujah yakin Allah tidak akan mengecewakan Zaujah. Dan Zaujah juga yakin Allah akan terus memberi kebaikan-Nya kepada Zaujah melalui Abang.

Marilah sama-sama kita perbaiki diri kita atas keyakinan rumah tangga ini perlu terus diselamatkan dan dimeriahkan. Jika benar itu masih menjadi harapan dan keyakinan kita, insya-Allah, pasti Allah akan tunjukkan jalan-jalan-Nya. Dalam hidup ini kita tidak boleh dapat semua perkara dalam satu masa. Bila kita mendapat sesuatu, pasti pada masa yang sama kita akan kehilangan sesuatu yang lain. Jadi marilah sama-sama kita pastikan apa yang kita dapat lebih berharga dan lebih baik berbanding apa yang kita terpaksa lepaskan.

Oleh itu jika kita ingin mendapat rumah tangga yang bahagia, kita terpaksa belajar ‘melepaskan’ perkara-perkara lain. Rumah tangga kita adalah keutamaan. Ia amanah Allah, harapan kita. Sebaliknya, segala kesukaan atau keseronokan kita yang lain mungkin terpaksa kita korbankan demi membina kebahagiaan ini.Inilah pengorbanan.

Tanpa pengorbanan tidak akan ada kebahagiaan. Kita akan rela dan tega berkorban jika kita benar-benar inginkan rumah tangga ini berjaya. Jika tidak, kita terpaksalah mengorbankan rumah tangga ini… Apakah ini berbaloi? Tidakkah ini seperti kata pepatah, yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran? Atau mendengar guruh di langit, air tempayan dicurahkan?

Abang,

Tipuan dunia dan godaan nafsu ini sangat memberangsangkan. Syaitan sentiasa menghias bibit-bibit dosa-dosa dengan segala keindahan dan kecantikan. Sekali kita terjerumus, payah untuk bebas kembali. Selagi yang diburu tidak tercapai, selagi itulah kita lelah mengejarnya. Tetapi setelah kita mendapat, ada yang lain pula datang menggoda. Apa yang ada jarang disyukuri, apa yang tiada itulah yang kita risaukan. Kita akan lesu kerana asyik memburu.

Mengejar nafsu itu bagai mengejar bayang-bayang. Dilihat ada tetapi apabila digenggam ia hilang… di hujung percarian itu pasti ada lesu dan jemu. Kehendak nafsu tidak ada batas dan tidak pernah puas. Padahal kematian itu boleh datang tiba-tiba. Relakah kita tertipu mengejar fatamorgana hanya kerana dari jauh ia kelihatan umpama air yang tergenang?

Zaujah mengingatkan diri Zaujah dan diri Abang kerana sayang. Zaujah selalu bertanya pada diri sendiri, relakah Zaujah mengorbankan rumah tangga ini hanya untuk mengejar sesuatu yang tidak pasti? Zaujah terpaksa melepaskan salah satunya. Dan insya-Allah, buat selamanya Zaujah lebih sanggup melepaskan apa dan sesiapa sahaja, asalkan jangan melepaskan kebahagiaan rumah tangga Zaujah. Itulah yang ada di hati Zaujah. Dan itulah jua yang Zaujah harapkan, doakan ada dalam hati

Abang.

Jika dalam surat ini ada kesedihan… ia bukan kekecewaan tetapi itu hanya harapan. Jika dalam surat ini ada teguran… itu bukan kebencian tetapi itu hanya peringatan, buat Zaujah dan buat Abang jua. Namun, Zaujah akui dalam surat ini terlalu banyak doa dan harapan. Doa Zaujah hanya pada Ilahi. Dan harapan Zaujah tetap untuk Abang. Jika air mata itu berkesan, nescaya akan tulis surat ini dengan air mata. Bukan air mata kecewa tetapi air mata harapan…

Zaujah harap Abang membaca surat ini dengan hati yang terbuka. Bayangkan semula harapan dan cita-cita kita seawal kita memutuskan untuk berkahwin dahulu. Saat indah itu telah berlalu tetapi keindahan itu akan menjelma semula dalam bentuk baru jika kita berusaha untuk merealisasikannya. Dalam perkahwinan yang baik, seorang lelaki dan wanita sentiasa mencari ruang dan peluang untuk memperbaiki dirinya demi orang yang disayanginya.

Dan sekalipun dalam perkahwinan yang paling bermasalah, penawar yang mujarab adalah kebenaran. Menyatakan kebenaran kepada pasangan adalah kaedah terbaik untuk membuktikan cinta adalah lebih utama daripada satu pendustaan!

Mohon berundur dulu. Pasangan yang bahagia bukanlah tidak pernah membuat kesilapan. Tetapi mereka tetap bahagia kerana mereka sentiasa belajar mengakui kesilapan itu dan belajar daripadanya… dan akhirnya melupakannya! Itulah Zaujah kini. Zaujah akuii kesilapan Zaujah dan Zaujah sedang memperbaikinya dan Zaujah ingin melupakannya…

Abang, Zaujah masih menaruh harapan. Insya-Allah, Abang masih sudi membantu Zaujah untuk itu! Amin.

Sumber Asal; Genta Rasa - Tragedi Cinta Isteri

Monday, August 23, 2010

The much awaited doctor's appointment

Period or bleeding didn't come till today, the appointment with Prof after the ET. Which is a good sign. However I didn't feel any significant symptoms except for backache and dizzy. Pening-pening start last week, and yesterday I started feeling very tired till today. So I went to clinic with Hubby with mixed feeling and uncertainties.

Arrived at HUKM around 9.15am and got no 3. Alhamdulillah. Prof arrived around 5 mins to 11am. When my name was called, I felt that my heart was beating so hard!! Suspense..Then Prof asked a few questions, did my breast hurt, sakit perut tak..My breast didn't hurt actually but sometimes rasa berdenyut2!! Then he calculated and estimated that I am in my 4 weeks. Then off to the scan table.

1 sac can be seen and when measured it is 4 weeks. However Prof asked me to take the blood test to confirm further. And the result is tomorrow. Hemm, so I am still not 100% sure that I am pregnant. This situation has put me back in unstable state of mind! Well Hubby said, kita dah berusaha, selebihnya Allah punya kuasa.

To add to my misery, since yesterday I started to feel not ok! Sakit pinggang and today rasa sakit kat perut pulak. Campur ngan pening-pening.. Arghhhh..Ya Allah, Tenangkanlah hati ini.....

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, berkatilah dan rahmatilah usahaku untuk mendapatkan zuriat ini dengan kesudahan yang baik... Amin..

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The One with Another Waiting Game

Today marked the 9th day after the ET. 3 embryos were transfered on Friday the 23rd July 2010. OR was done as schedule and 9 follicles were retreived. According to the report, only 8 matured eggs were ICSI-ed and Alhamdulillah 6 were fertilized.

Oocyte Retrieval

Arrived at the clinic around 8.30am. dah ada orang dalam Berkat room. So kena tunggu.Hubby punya muka dah pucat, entah apa-apa lah.Bukannya nak kena masuk OT ker..Alhamdulillah kali ni Allah mudahkan nak ambik specimen Hubby tu. After that I was quickly ushered to the day ward to change.

Yang terkejutnya, tersedar masa process dah dekat nak habis.Oouch sakit gak, heard the nurse calm me down, sikit lagi, sikit lagi. Then I heard prof cakap pasal cysts. Bila tengok report, cyst aspiration was also done, so masa tulah tersedar sikit tu. Prof also said that not all follicles dia dapat ambik sebab tinggi sangat kedudukannya. Masa rasa sakit tu bila prof try to retreived the follicles belah kiri and also t0 suck the cysts.

Altogether 9 follicles were retrieved resulted in 8 matured eggs and 1 immature.

Oh yes..the fluid in uterine cavity also disappeared. Alhamdulillah

Embryo Transfer

The ET was scheduled on Friday afternoon 23rd July. Hubby dah bertolak ke Johor on Thursday lagi. I went to the clinic with Sister R by taxi. Berdisiplin betul adik tu bawak taxi. Reached the clinic 15 mins past 3pm. Last person and memang I want to be last, so that I don't have to keluar dari OT and rest in the day ward. The last person usually dia suruh baring atas meja OT tu jer for about 1 hour. For me itu lagi baik tak payah gerak pun directly after ET tu.

Masa dalam OT tu, baru dia orang reveal the number of eggs yang fertilized. 6 embryos yang jadi! Alhamdulillah, the 1st time only 1 egg was fertilized. And thanks to Allah again, all 6 are of grade 1. 3 embryos were transfered and 3 were freezed.

The transfer was not going very well.Prof could not seem to find the opening of my cervic!! 2 kali buat baru berjaya, and it hurt!! It was indeed a very difficult transfer.I was sweating and tensed. But Alhamdulillah on second attempt, the transfer was completed. Then sebagai penutup, Prof bacakan doa.

2 Weeks Wait

After ET procedure, the 2 weeks wait began. I was bleeding when passing motion on Tuesday 27th Jul. Mula-mula ingat beeding thru vagina, but bila lap, it was actually from anal..I continued to bleed averytime buang air besar till yesterday. Alhamdulillah hari ni tak der dah...fuhh.. Syukur! I was scared and worried the whole day yesterday.

Called MAC, dia kata tak pernah berlaku lagi. Prof pun cakap the same thing bila Hubby called. If today jadi lagi, need to go to the hospital today. Alhamdulillah syukur....So next week I can actually do the home pregnancy test tu because this time I am not on HCG shot. Now I am only on Duphaston and Utrogestan.


Duphaston 3X daily orally & Utrogestan 3X daily vaginally
And if everyhing goes well, I may not be able to fast this comming Ramadhan. My appointment is on 23rd August. I am supposed to be 6 weeks pregnant at the time, InsyaAllah.

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, ampun kan daku dan rahmatilah diriku dengan sebaik2 Rahmat Mu. Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Wahab, Engkaulah maha pemberi, maka anugerahkan daku dengan kandungan yang sihat dari embrio-embrio yang telah dipindahkan ke rahim ku Ya Allah. Mudahkkanlah urusan ku ukt mendapat zuriat ni Ya Allah... Amiinnnnn

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The One with the 4th Scan - Ovary Stimulation

Went for scan on Sunday, reached the clinic around 8.45am, got no 4.However the scanning procedure did not start yet. So we went for breakfast dulu. Oh yes, Hubby managed to accompany me though it was on Sunday. Alhamdulilllah. The scan did not start even after we had our breakfast.

It was Sunday, so cashier, kerani semua tak der. The nurse name Shahira, buat multiple tasks jadi cashier, kerani and staff nurse. Lepas procedure attend to payments, medication, injection and hal2 lain. Kesian dia, tapi namapak dia tenang layan patient! At around 10.30am, then we saw Prof datang, berlari2 dia. Terus masuk OT, I think it was for OR procedure.

Dalam 45 minutes kemudian he quickly went into the scan room. Then I got it, we were waiting for Prof rupanya. He was the one yang did the scanning. Good, kiranya first time dapat buat ngan dia. Hubbies were asked to went in with the wifes, to help Prof noted the follicle size! My turn came around 11.45, result was not to promising. The follicles byk yg kecik2 though dah ada around 4 yang besar. Just hope that the big ones will survived until tomorrow. Yup, Prof scheduled me for OR on Wednesday the 20th July, that is tomorrow. 

Last nite did my last injection to mature the egss at 9.30pm. Today is injection Free. Medication given by Mak Jah pun dah habis semalam, so I am to see her today. Hubby plan to go in the afternoon after his meeting. 

The medication that were prescribed during the ovary stimulation; 

Puregon + Puregon Pen

Orgalutron - antogonist, to prevent ovulation. The nurse said to prevent telur dari pecah

Ovidrel - hepls follicle matures and trigger the release of eggs
I was prescribed Puregon 300 = RM420, 2 of Orgalutron = RM300, Ovidrel = RM80, Scan = RM60 and need to pay downpayment for ER= RM800. So all in all I paid RM1600. Hence cost so far = RM5375 + RM1660 = RM7035.00

Friday, July 16, 2010

Doa Yang Menyeluruh

I am always fascinated and like the doa which we recite during duduk antara dua sujud. Sometimes I recite the doa lepas solat pun...the meaning is beautiful and menyeluruh to me. Got this article which describe the doa in detail and I would like to share and keep this so I could refer to it anytime. Here it goes...

BESARNYA makna DOA YANG KITA LUPAKAN- semasa duduk antara dua sujud

Dalam tidak sedar.Setiap hari kita memohon didalam solat kita..tetapi sayangnya, kita hanya memohon tanpa memahami.. sekadar tersebut dibibir, tetapi tidak tersentuh dari hati kita selama ini.Marilah kita mula menghayati ketika kita duduk di antara dua sujud semasa solat..

Dengan rendah hati nyatakanlah permohonan ampun kepada Allah

Rabbighfirli (Tuhanku, ampuni aku),
Diamlah sejenak, buka dada dan diri kita untuk menerima ampunan dari Allah seperti membuka diri ketika merasakan hembusan angin sepoi-sepoi atau menerima curahan air hujan ketika kita masih kecil

Tetaplah membuka diri kita untuk menerima ampunan Allah Ulangi permintaan itu beberapa kali hingga kita merasakan ketenangan Kemudian sampaikanlah permintaan kedua,

Warhamni (sayangi aku)
Diam dan tundukkanlah diri kita untuk menerima kasih-sayang Allah yang tak terhitung besarnya. Bukalah dada kita seluas-luasnya agar semakin banyak kasih-sayang Allah yang kita terima. Ulanglah beberapa kali hingga kita merasa cukup. Berturut-turut sampaikanlah permintaan2 berikut dengan cara sebagaimana tersebut di atas, satu persatu..

Wajburnii (tutuplah aib-aibku)
Warfa'nii (angkatlah darjatku)

Warzuqnii (berilah aku rezeki)

Wahdinii (berilah aku petunjuk)

Wa'Aafinii (sihatkan aku)

Wa'fuannii (maafkan aku)
Setelah selsai, diamlah sejenaklalu sampaikan rasa syukur kita. Betapa besarnya nilai sebuah doa ini..sebuah doa yang kita hanya lewatkan begitu sahaja.Dalam tidak kita sedar selama ini kita seperti sedang berpura-pura memohon sesuatu tetapi hati antara tidak dan mahu pantaslah Allah perlakukan kita begitu. 

The One with the 3rd Scan - Ovari Stimulation

Alhamdulillah today Hubby hantar to the hospital. Arrived at MAC around 8.45am, and the number was already 11 for scanning. Today memang ramai sangat orang. At that time teringat ada somewhere terbaca yang kat MAC ni macam human factory pulak! Saw this environment memang betul gak statement tu...

Result was not good, follicle belum cukup besar and adding to cyst and fibroid there is fluid in the cavity. Just like last time, but this time the fluid was discovered earlier before Embryo Transfer. So hopefully the fluid can be drain out before the ET. And I am to come for scaning this Sunday the 18th July. Today Prof sendiri yang analyse the result. Alhamdulillah.

The fluid is circled in red

My Follicle Tracking Form Only 2 big follicles - 18X17 amd 17X16 on the left
Mungkin ada hikmah disebalik pembesaran telur yang lambat tu, masih ada time untuk mendapat rawatan lanjut dengan Mak Jah. Hope with her help the cyst, fibroid and fluid can be destroyed with Allah's help and blessing. I called Mak Jah to change my appointment to tomorrow instead of Sunday since I have to go MAC on Sunday. Alhamdulillah she is okay.

"Ya Allah kau berkatilah dan rahmatilah usahaku ini. Besarkan follicle2ku dengan sebaiknya dan peliharalah follicle2ku sehingga sesuai untuk diambil. Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, hancurkanlah segala ketumbuhan dan bendasing yang ada yang mengganggu rahimku. Sembuhkanlan rahimku, sesembuh-sembuhnya agar tidak bebaki penyakit yang ada. Ya Allah, engkau lah yang Maha Pemberi dan Maha Penyembuh.. Amin.."

The cost, since I have to continue the Puregon injection untuk besarkan telur2 yang belah kanan tu, so I have to purchase  Puregon 600 @ RM840 and RM300 for Orgalutron. So total up : RM4235 + RM840 + RM300 = RM5375.00 and counting up....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The One with the 2nd Scan - Ovari Stimulation

Well harapan tinggal harapan, Hubby tak dapat hantar to meet Mak Jah kat Kajang yesterday. I went with my colleague instead, dia tolong tunjukkan jalan. Alhamdulillah senang jer sampai ke tempat dituju dan balik pun Alhamdulillah sampai office ada parking. With Mak Jah's advice, I took medication from her to try to hancurkan my fibroid. She said that the fibroid might intefere with the implantation. Masa scan pun the sonographer said that I might be having fibroid.

Ya Allah rahmatilah usaha ku ini dan sembuhkanlah rahim ku sesembuh-sembuhnya dan hilangkan segala ketumbuhan...Amin.

Before berpisah last night, Hubby said kita pegi pagi-pagi. He asked me to wait for him at the office this morning.However at about 7.00am, while I was driving, received text mesage from him, 'Waduh..waduh..moto buat hal lagi pagi ni..tak leh start ni.' I replied 'Usahalah biar dpt pegi ngan "Zaujah" ke spital.hope sgt.' He replied back, 'Dah letih start pakai kaki ni..' I texted back , 'Naik taxilah..' Then came reply panjang.. Malas nak tulis sini!!! Then I decided, tak per  boleh pegi sendiri naik taxi...Ni kali ke 2 pergi sendiri.Tak per Allah maha mengetahui..dan hanya Allah juga yang tahu perasaan ini.

Ok back to the procedure, base on prof estimation previously, egg retrieval should be this coming Friday, however based on today's scan, follicle belum cukup besar. Need to continue with the Puregon Injection + Orgalutron for the follicle supaya tak pecah. So Friday ni scan lagi. The Orgalutron tu, sakit sikit bila nak inject.Jarum dia kurang tajam!! With the result, I was quite worry because Hubby is going to Johor on 22nd July. I called him to confirm, tapi tak jawab.

I told the nurse that Hubby is going away on 22nd July, she said sempatlah for the egg pickup which is may be fall on Sunday. Hemmm, payah tu bila weekend! As I was paying for the medication he called me back and confirmlah he will be going to Johor on 22nd July. Memang payah ni, for the egg pickup may be tak der masalah, though I doubt it will not be easy! But for the transfer, most probably he willl not be around.Sapa pulak nak hantar dan ambik after the procedure.

Ya Allah mudahkanlah urusan ku ini...

Hubby came to pick me up.Thanks to him and thank you to Allah.At leastlah kan? Whatever it is I have to be strong and be the most patience wife and muslimah. I need to be!

Ohh yes, the cost. I was to purchase the Puregon 300 and 2 of the new medication: Puregon@RM420 + RM300 = RM720. Adding up = RM4235.00

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Start of 2nd Attempt

Start ambik injection on 6th of July. Hari ni first scan, telur ada and cyst pun ada. Perut pun bloated semacam, hari ni memang rasa tak ok, mata pedih, kulit muka tegang and hidung pun dah luka.

Pagi sebelum pegi contact Hubby, sampai 8.15 masih belum ada jawapan. Then I decided to go alone with taxi.Alhamdulillan senang dapat taxi pergi dan balik. About 8.30 Hubby sms, 9.30. Klinik dan pesan suruh datang pagi, 9.00am. So I just texted back to him that I pergi sendiri ngan taxi.

Quite stressful bila scan dia ckp cyst tu ada balik. I have been using Puregon 600iu (bought 3) and was prescribed 300iu per day. So dah 6 hari, all three ada extralah. So today kena inject 3 kali!!!Luckilly all 3 extras tu mencukupi 300iu..kalau tak tambah lagi kena lagi satu jarum!! Sakit pulak..

So cost so far;

3 600iu Puregon = RM840 X  4 = RM3360, Sewa Pen=RM105, Scan=RM50. So all in all so far = RM3515.

Next Rabu gi scan lagi.

Saturday morning hari tu managed to get Hubby to agree to go to Mak Jah's at Kajang. Mak Jah tukang urut utk wanita yang juga menolong orang yang ingin dapatkan zuriat. Esok appointment ngan Mak Jah lagi sekali, I am praying that Hubby will be able to take me there tomorrow InsyaAllah

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The One with the 2nd Attempt - May be the last...

It has been a while...sigh....Anyway better late then never!!!

Masa jumpa prof after the failed ICSI tu, we decided to go for 2nd attempt. So I were to undergo DNC prior to the 2nd cycle as mentioned in my ealier post. Instead of just DNC procedure, prof procceed to do Heteroscopy & Cyst Aspiration on me on February 12th 2010. Checked in on Thursday afternoon the 11th Feb, Prof came to see me around 9.00pm to get signature, I just asked if the procedure include in removing the cysts that have been found during the IVF cycle. He seemed surprised and wondered why the cysts were not removed during the egg retrieval. My file for him to refer to pun tak jumpa, nurse cakap file may be kat MAC.

Prof then suruh nurse bukak balik klinik dia to do the V scan to confirm. During ultrasound, Prof macam terkejut jumpa black portion on both my ovaries, macam alient pulak katanya, because he would have remembered is something like that were there before this. Kena buat dua procedure kalau macam ni, as the machine to sedut cyst ---cyst aspiration only available at MAC clinic. What??? Apa2 ajelah...Malas dah nak pikir, terkejut pun satu hal.

I was wheeled to the operation theatre for DNC & Heteroscopy around 12pm the next morning. I was scheduled to do cyst aspiration the next day, Saturday.  Dah siap-siap dlm OT, prof tak muncul-muncul. Dengarlah the nurse cakap yang prof kat MAC. Anyway I was put to sleep before prof muncul so tak tahu apa sebenarnya berlaku dengan kelewatan Prof tu.

When I woked up, terasa sejuk sgt and tiba-tiba menggigil. Tapi sekejap2 jer gigilnya, tak pernah pulak berlaku macam tu. Bila dtg gigil tu habis menggeletar badan!! Bagitau nurse dia kata effect ubat. Juga terasa nyilu macam nak kencing, rupa-rupanya ada salur kencing dipasang!! Lar naper pulak!!!Bila dapat keluar dari recovery room, the nurse letak samples atas katil. Dalam 5 botol samples! Byknya...Masa tu terpikir jugak Prof dah buat sekali ker cyst aspiration tu..but how? Equiptment tak der kat OT.

Prof datang ward around 8pm, still with seluar OT tapi baju dah tukar. Then he mentioned that dia dah buat semua procedure tadi, hubby tanya camana? Prof said dia suruh orang angkat machine tu ke dalam OT, that was why he was late!!Thanks prof!! So tak payah I buat esoknya. Anyway I was bleeding banyak jugak prof kata so I was on tampon and salur kencing tu..Tak selesanya...And Prof told us result Heteroscopy tu, not good. My uterus macam ada infection. So tak boleh start the cycle terus and I need to be on antibiotics for 3 months - 2 weeks for each month.

Last cycle of antibiotics, during ultrasound prof jumpa cyst lagi kat belakang uterus about 3cm. Need to remove the cyst and the cyst aspiration was done on May 12th.  Sepatutnya boleh balik on the same day petang tu, however ada bleeding lagi sebab one of the cyst tu tinggi sangat duduknya, in order to reach that terluka cervic. On salur kencing once more!! eeeei tak sukanya!!

The IVF schedule form was given to me by prof upon checking out, the next comming period I was supposed to start with the ovari stimulation. Period came to soon, 4 days earlier on 24th cycle day bersamaan 27th May. 28th tu cuti wesak Friday. MAC clinic is closed on Public Holiday and weekend. So nak tak nak kena berkejar ke MAC dari office and kena sampai before 5pm. Sampai MAC at about 4.35pm.

Nurse tu kira lah hari sebelum confirm on the procedure tu. Target OR & ET in middle June and Prof tak der masa tu.Hubby call Prof, then Prof said he wanted me to be on Long Protocol procedure. So tak payah ambik ubat lagi but to come on 16th June to be injected with Zoladex! With my case prof tak nak the EP & ET tu doctor lain yang buat.

Conclusionnya, macam-macam berlaku for this 2nd attempt ni. From start pun tak berjalan lancar procedurenya. Harap-harap inya bersusah-susah dahulu dan bersenang-senang kemudian. So 16th June the Long Protocol will start and ends on August 12th for the 1st ultrasound.

But before that my family & I will be off to Cherating for a small family day event....

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The One with the 4th and Final Step : The waiting game!!

It is so hard to discipline myself to at least write once a week! So may things have happened....

Back to the ICSI cycle, unfortunately masih belum ada rezeki. I cried 1 whole day, sampai mata bengkak! The ET was done on 10th December, and the period came on 6th January, 6 days before my next appointment.

Mula2 tak letak banyak harapan as it was only 1 embrio and ada some abnormal liquid pulak dalam rahim. Tapi, sebab the second week after ET tu, period still tak datang, the confidence grew! And I went thru till 3rd week without the period, even had 1 incident of vomiting unexpectedly! I was so full off hope and confidence by then.

Monday the 4th Jan 2010, the 4th week, dah start rasa sakit-sakit pinggang. Hubby dah risau, dia kata sakit2 macam ni macam nak gugur.I just did not want to listen to those words! Wednesday morning, the 6th January 2010, I could feel the intense pain and decided to stay in bed that day. At about 9.00am, when I went to the toilet, I could see the stain.

Automatically my eyes swelled up with tears. I called the clinic and was advised to still take the medication and only stop when the bleeding dah banyak. I sms-ed Hubby to inform about the situation. I asked him to come home be with me, however he could not came home. By noon, it was confirmed as I have started having my period. I cried, cried and cried..alone!

Hubby only came back at around 11pm, and by then I was all dried up. Dah tak boleh nangis dah.Kering airmata.I didn't had anything to eat either.Tak boleh nak makan! He brought back Nasi with tom yam seafood my favaourite. I was spoon fed and only managed to eat quater of it.

2nd day period was the hardest pain.I thought that the pain had come back. However, prof said that it was not period pain tapi macam keguguran katanya. True enough as the next period I was ok.

Then I was schedule for DnC in Feb 2010, as the next cycle could only be done after 3 months.... That is the end of my 1st ICSI cycle.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The One with the 3rd Step - The Embrios & Embrio Transfer (ET)

Today is my 3rd day period after the fail ICSI atempt. Syukur Alhamdulillah, no significant pain at all. Syukur sangat2. Hopefully the disease is gone for good! Amin. Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah penyakitku ini sesembuh-sembuhnya dengan tiada berbaki lagi. Sembuhkanlah Ya Allah, kerana engkau Maha Penyembuh.

With that I am schedule to undergo DNC procedure on Friday the 19th Feb 2010.

Ok, now back to the treatment procedure :
On 9th Dec 2009, my husband call the MAC to acquire about the result, out of 7 , only 2 embrios yang jadi! I was to come to the clinic on the 10th Dec 2009 for the ET procedure. Only 2? I was hoping that it would have resulted in more embrios so that I could have kept them in the freezer for next ET if needed be..

Sepatutnya I were to reached the clinic by 9.00am. Hubby did not come back to my house on the 9th Dec, he should, but he didn't! So I have to wait for him at home. Tunggu, punya tunggu 8.30 pun belum nampak batang hidung. At 9.00am, the nurse called. I said that I was on the way, she said that Prof  was ready and waiting for me. And that Prof could not wait for long as he had another OT to perform...I was about to cry when the call ended, mana dia ni?

Hubby tiba at about 9.30am, memang airmata dah berlinang dah. Then he told me, motobike broke down he was at the workshop tunggu workshop bukak! We then proceed to MAC, sampai about 10.15am, Prof dah tukar baju and all the OT nurses tengah berkumpul kat registration waiting for me! Luckilly Prof agreed to proceed. Cepat jer I was lead to change and then straight to OT. Masa tu nak terkecing ya amat!! But I was not allowed to! I was supposed to be in that state..full bladder!

When I was ready on the OT table, then Hubby was called in to see the embrios. Then another sad news, only 1 embrio can be transfered as the other one had gone bad! Only 1? Masa tu I was frustrated and knew that the chances were very slim. Then after Hubby keluar, the procedure started...When the radiologist was doing the scanning to find the right place in the uterus to plant the embrio, he found some fluid in the uterine cavity! Another bad news! Prof pun tak dpt nak agak cecair apa sebenarnya. The fluid actually made the space for the embrio to plant very limited. Hence the chances for implantation were getting smaller...

Masa Prof dah masukkan alat kat bawah tu (vaginally), he coud not see  it thru the monitor! Opps had to change to bigger apparatus! The thing was pulled out and, the new one went in. Ooouch! terasa sakit yang ni, Prof siap cakap ni, kene corner baring ni! After that the transfer was done very efficiently. It was a good transfer they said. Then barulah Prof masukkan salur for me to pee... Lega rasanya bila dapat keluarkan tu...I was made to lie down then Prof came back and said ' Kita doa sikit yer..Prof baca doa dan after sapu muka he came and hold my tummy and said InsyaAllah. And he said that he was worried about the fluid as it might intefere with the implantation.Tapi kita doa jerlah.. kata dia. Then I was left to lie down for about 45 minutes.

Dalam semua step-step ICSI ni, this is the step yang I rasa paling mencabar dan paling I tak suka! Can it be done with me in unconcious state?  So taklah malu sangat!!! When checking out, I was prescribed luteal support medications. Makan and also to take vaginally!!! 3 times a day.

Next the waiting period.....

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The One with the 2nd Step - Oocyte Retrieval (OR)

6th Dec 2009 - the procedure was scheduled at 9.00am but I have to reached the clinic by 8.00am. After registration, we have requested to retrieve hubby's specimen first before the OR as hubby needed me there in the 'Berkat' room! The specimen retreival was not going well actually, tapi dapatlah! Hubby seolah-olah tak puas hati, kesal... Tapi nak buat macamana, itu jer yang dapat! Berdoa jerlah. Actually I was quite angry jugak, mula-mula tu..Susah sangat ker? Rasa juga frust! Then bila pikir balik, memang betul bukan mudah utk ejaculate dalam keadaan terpaksa!!

After that, straight to day ward to change to OT attire. With the OT attire, jalan jer ke bilik OT sebab dekat ngan day ward tu. In this procedure, I was put to sleep hence tak tahulah apa yang berlaku. Tahu-tahu jer the nurse kejut dah siap, so I was just dipapah to the day ward. Sambung tidur!

Sedar after about 1 hour, felt so thirsty! Hubby pun tak tahu kat mana. Then the nurse came, 'kalau dah ok boleh kuar kak. If not tidurler lagi..'. I said that I dah nak kuar, sebab dahaga. So siap-siap, then I called my husband. Rupanya dia kat cafeteria! Kuar dari ward, rasa pening semacam.. Last-last termuntah! The nurse said that, akak bangun cepat sangat tu.. tak perlah dah terjadi pun!!!

Then Hubby told me that Prof had informed him they managed to retrieved 8 follicles from the right ovary, but nothing from the left. Only 4 are the right sizes. By looking at the report, they actually done the ICSI procedure to 7 of the eggs.

Seterusnya adalah persenyawaan and wait and see how many embryos yang jadi....

The One with the 1st Step - Ovarian Stimulation

I was prescribed 225ml Gonal F a day thru injection. An easy to use device like a pen which is preloaded with medication. One pen of 450ml cost RM600. 1st time, I injected myself with the nurse supervision. Very easylah.. so in turnlah, today perut belah kanan, esoknya belah kiri pulak. Kebetulan balik kg for raya haji, so I travelled with the cold box with medication in it. Terpaksa sewa cold box tu dari MAC since we did not bring one.

This raya pun Hubby tak balik, alasan? Malas nak kisah, simple jer just ambil pendekatan if he thinks what he did is right then ok, go on..If not just remember Allah maha mengetahui and doa ku, semuga Allah membalas dengan balasan yang setimpal..Amin..

On 8th day 1st Dec, back from kampung straight away went to MAC clinic for scanning. Result? The sonographer found 2 ovarian cyst on both ovaries measuring about 2 to 3 cm. Imagine if I were to wait till January, mesti dah makin besar cyst tu....About 8 follicles on right ovary and 2 on left. I were to continue with the same amount of medication to be consumed thru injection and come back on 3rd Dec, day 10th for next scanning. 1 more medication to inject, to prevent the follicles from pecah.

On second scanning, the sonographer kind of having problem to exactly see and measure the follicles. Dah risau dah, kenapa lah pulak, so I doa byk2. She then tried to scan dari atas (form perutlah..), tapi still could not see clearly so back to vaginally. At last she managed to get the sizes. Same number of follicles. Considering that I have endometriosis, the quantity is about rightlah.

With the result, I were scheduled to have the oocyte retireval procedure on Monday the 6th Dec.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

To Start or not to Start - The fertility treatment

So many things have happened and yet I could not begin to write anything for almost 3 months! Reason? No reason, just plain lazy!!! Macamana nak mula pun tak tahu ni..Ok lets go step by steplah...

Hubby wanted to wait till January to start the fertility treatment, however I voiced out my concern that I have started to feel the pain again. Makin lama tunggu takut makin banyak penyakit tu dah tumbuh balik. After a lot of convincing then he agreed to start the treatment on my 5th period after Danazol injection.

On 25th November 2nd day period we went to MAC clinic at HUKM to start the ICSI cycle. Feeling? Excited ada, takut ada but  I have to do it. So lets do it, I said to myself...The costs? hemm, manageable lah...

Next step is Ovarian Stimulation....