The One with The Sensitive Feeling

Wow... This blog has been in hibernation for almost 3 Years....

Disaat perasaan keciwa, terasa hati dan pilu.. Tak tahu nak mengadu kepada siapa, teringat blog ni.. Baik catatkan disini.. 

Ramadhan tahun ni disambut dengan airmata.. Tak tahulah kenapa, sensitif sungguh semenjak dua menjak ni...Tiada yang tahu diri ini kerap mengalir airmata sejak pertama Ramadhan. Tiada dugaan besar mana pun.. Dugaan perasaan, terasa hati ngan the other half. Rasa macam kami makin jauh. Mungkin jugak sebab umur dah meningkat, dengan ketiadaan zuriat, rasa cemburu, irihati dengan disebelah sana yang ada zuriat dan diberi lebih perhatian...

Segala-galanya lebih disebelah sana. Giliran yg miss tak berganti dari mula kahwin sampai sekarang. Perbelanjaan .... heeemmm lagilah. Tanggung sendiri. Hadiah, jarang menjelma, dan boleh dikatakan tidak ada kalau tak minta. Bunga.. belum pernah sejak kawin, Komunikasi.. huh.. susah sungguh nak bercerita, berborak selain dia bercerita pasal kerja..

Fist Ramadhan, sepatutnya dia balik sebab dah seminggu lebih dia tak balik, anaknya accident dan saya jugak outstation dan kemudian sambung bercuti ngan Mak dan adik2 ke Langkawi. Dia sambung cuti Isnin dan Selasa. Rabu baru kerja. Apa lagi nak jawab.. ok jerlah..Masa jawab ok tu dah tergenang dah airmata. Sedih... Malam menjelma masa solat Maghrib, rasa sayu hati ini. Mencurah airmata dalam dan selepas solat. Tak tahu apa dia rasa.. tak terpikir ker dah lama tak jumpa isteri yang satu ni, tak rindu ker...Sigh... 

Mak nak berbuka kat umah, so suggest hari Sabtu sebab dah lama hari Sabtu dia tak der kat rumah. Ada jer hal. Tahun ni memang banyak kali dah tak der kat umah hari Sabtu. Tapi katanya tak boleh, adik dia nak dtg umah dia nak daftar anak sedara masuk UIA... supp.. terasa pilunya. Ada ajer Allah nak bagi ujian. Kalau ikutkan hak, dalam Islam. Saya tahu diri ni ada hak untuk tetap mintak dia balik sebab hari itu adalah giliran saya.. Tapi sanggup ker?..

Semalam, tanya dia.. thru whassap.

"sepatutnya ganti kan... kena balik Puchong. Tapi ?????tahu abg tak kan ganti punya..." 15:03

"Tak perlah... biar Allah sajer yg mengadili...  ✌🏼peace no war...  selamat berbuka.." 15:05

Tiada jawapan.. So saya drivelah balik, hujan lebat. ribut melanda, dan waze membawa jalan ikut Jalan Pantai Permai. Lama jugak stucked kat situ dan hujan sangat lebat. Expecting him to at least call or whassap tanya khabar. Macamana balik? Ok ker?... no.. nothing. Nangis lagi sambil drive, takut sebenarnya, hujan sangat lebat. Tiba2 waze tukar route. follow jerlah, masa tu hujan dan reda. Route lalu kawasan construction.. lagilah takut.. kawasan tak der org pun. Kete tak byk lalu lalang. Dalam hari zikir Laila hailla anta Subha nakaiini... Tak putus-putus sambil drive... Pendekkan cerita Alhamdulillah selamat sampai rumah... Nothing from him jugak...

Selepas solat Asar, whasssap him

"Sepatah pun tak jwb.. hemmmmmm..." 18:43

Nothing from him till I texted him today  to ask whether he is coming home today..He is... Alhamdulillah.

Dugaan perasaan jer pun, tapi diri ini mudah mengalirkan airmata.. sebelum ni dugaan lagi berat.. Tapi mungkin jugak sebab byk kali dah terasa hati, bila lama2 berkumpul, sikit2 lama2 jadi bukit.. 

Lagi satu lately selalu sangat terkenang pasal zuriat. Hakikatnya diri ini dah redho dan menerima kenyataan yang saya tidak akan ada zuriat sendiri dah.. ok jer. Tapi kebelakangan ini senang tersentuh pasal ni. Kekeciwaan tu hadir dalam hati ini, pilu sedih dan macam2 perasaan. Siapa yang tahu? Tiada,....meratapi nasib sendiri, menangis sendiri. hanya Aku dan Allah yang mengetahui perasaan ini..

Menaip sambil menangis... tertanya2 awatlah aku sensitif sangat ni... 

Lebih sedih bila dapat tahu, bukan ada halangan apa2 pun dari pihak sebelah sana untuk dia ganti balik Puchong sampai Sabtu, Sebelah sana expect pun dia tak balik Sentul sebab dah lama tak balik Puchong. Tapi dia yang pilih untuk tidak ganti. Sebelum ni tidak ganti sebab tak nak sebelah sana mengamuk katanya. Tapi bila dari segi luarannya sebelah sana macam ok jer.. Kenapa tak nak balik...??

Macamana saya dapat tahu... Sometimes Allah bagi ruang untuk kita tahu apa yang perlu kita tahu kot. Dah lama saya tak ambil tahu pasal apa-apa pun. Tak curi-curi belek handhone dia pun, Lagipun handphone ada password. Tup..tup, tetiba terbentang depan mata untuk saya baca semuanya Bagaimana? Biarlah rahsia....

Volkswagen Polo Hacthback or Honda Jazz for a second car? Hemmm ..seriously? 

Sigh..... Biarlah saya simpan segala rasa sedih, pilu dan tak puas hati ni.... Cukuplah menaip diblog ini meluahkan rasa hati... Muga Allah bagi ganjaran sepatutnya pada dia dan saya...

Maafkanlah isterimu ini kerana meluahkan disini... Tak ramai yang tahu siapa disebalik blog ini..

Dalam setiap doa sejak mergerjakan haji sampai sekarang  tak putus2 doa supaya Allah bagi Nur dan Hidayah pada Abg. Agar kepimpinan dan tindakan abang sebagai suami mengikut landasan ke arah jalan yang diredhoi  dan dirahmati Allah.

Teringin sangat...;

Dikala keheningan larut malam

Abang kejutkan utk kita sama2 bertahajud

Tak selalu, sekali sebulan pun sudah memadai

Agar runahtangga kita dalam redho Allah sentiasa

Dikala selesai kita solat berjemaah,

Abang perdengarkan tazkirah utk isteri abang ni

Abang perbetulkan solat isteri abang ni

Abang perbetulkan bacaan Al Quran isteri abang ni

Tak selalu. sekali seminggu pun sudah memadai

Agar abang menjadi suami yang soleh dan mempunyai isteri yang solehah

Dikala memerlukan membeli barang-barang keperluan rumah

Abang sama-sama sambil menolak troli

Abang sama-sama menunggah barang

Abang sama-sama cek senarai barang-barang yang kita perlu beli

Tak selalu, sekali sebulan pun sudah memadai

Agar kita suami isteri dapat berusaha melengkapi rumahtangga kita

Dikala hari raya menjelang tiba

Abang peruntukkan atau hadiahkan isteri abang ini membeli baju raya

Tak banyak, sepasang pun sudah memadai

Agar dihari raya isteri abang bangga memakai baju pemberian abang

Agar dihari raya isteri abang merasa abang ada bersama walaupun hakikatnya hanya sehelai pakaian

Dikala menyediakan juadah untuk kita berdua

Abang sama-sama membantu didapur

Tak selalu, sekali sekala sudah memadai

Agar ikatan mesra kita bertambah kukuh dan rumahtangga kita kekal dalam rahmat Allah

Muga Allah perkenankan keinginan ini, agar dapat merasa sebelum diri ini menutup mata.. InsyaAlah.....

The One with the Result - 24/10/2013

Hubby was not able to attend the appointment and I went to UKMSC with my niece. I have already taken 2 days leave just to prepare for any result! We reached the clinic around 12.30pm and I was no 12 on the list already. The clinic started at 4pm.

Sakit pinggang started that nite and it was persistant up to the appointment day. Selalunya bila banyak jalan sakit pinggang and if I baring sekejap dia akan hilang. But this time, terus-terusan sakit. I was so stressed out and could feel that my babies would not stick around. I did not say anything to my niece, I kept quite and prayed hard... After lunch, we went to the Ibnu Sina surau and stayed there until 5.00pm. 

We went to UKMSC and waited ant the waiting lounge. I went to the toilet and...... there was stain on my pantyliner, it was 5.26pm. I went back to the waiting lounge and trying hard to hold my tears. I whatsssup Hubby what was happening, then he called, I said I could not talk and told him I would call later. I texted again, 

Me:  Sorry, tak leh cakap takut nangis..

Hubby: Sedihnya berlinang airmata Abg..

Hubby: Abg nangis...

During the whole time I was trying very hard to control my tears... I was called at around 7pm and by then the stain had become much more as I went to the toilet again. I managed not to cry when Prof asked, how r u?... I told prof that I had just got stain around 5.30pm just now. He was quite surprised and said it was already 4 weeks after the transfer.. He asked the routine questions and insist on blood test. He could not find anything during the ultrasound.. By then, I was sure that I failed again, but Prof still want me to wait for the blood test.

I was to continue with the medication until the blood test result came out. During the whole time I was controlling my tears and did not say a word to my niece. My niece, Macamana Cik Ngah? I said, Berita kurang baik, kena buat blood test to confirm...'. During the journey back home, airmata dah tergenang but still tak menitis... Cik Ngah nak dinner apa?, my niece asked. Tak per, Cik Ngah mkn roti ajer.. 

Sebenarnya I was just wanna got home to cry. So I asked them to sent me home and they can proceed to dinner. Sampai rumah, masuk bilik and I cried. But not crying out loud as I expected, crying softly!!! I stayed in the room and only came out to get something to drink and eat. Hari sabtu baru keluar dari bilik! My niece understood that I need to be alone so she just let me be... Thank you dear... Selama perintah berkurung tu FRIENDS the series menjadi peneman!

Hubby yang call for the blood test result tu, and it was negative as I expected.. On Saturday, I went out to fetch my car that Hubby parked at the office, went to IOI and get my haircut, hair treatment, pedicure and manicure....

Up till now, my period still coming, but sikit-sikit macam biasa and my boobs still hurt sometimes. Sakit pinggang sangat, however Panadol Menstrual dah cukup utk penahan sakit. Still waiting for it to come out... belum lagi ada ketul2 keluar....

That was the end of my FET.... 

I am trying very hard to absorb this fate as the best thing for me.... Allah knows best....

Alhamdulillah...... 

The One with another 2WW

Pesan Nurse, doa banyak2...jaga diri!!!

My 2WW was spent at my sister's house and I was in good hand and well cared for. Alhamdulillah. Thanks so much from the bottom of my heart my dear Sis R. MC was until 4th Oct, and I continued with annual leave for another 2 weeks including the Raya Haji..

Before we were leaving the MAC, the nurse, who was looking at the report said to me, Alhamdulillah, baby2 akak kuat lah, survived freezing and thawing. Still maintain grade 1 after thawing.. I smiled and said Alhamdulillah. Now balik, rajin makan ubat, rehat dan doa banyak2.... InsyaAllah....We left the clinic with happy feeling.....

I keep on reciting the prescribed surah religiously, praying that the 'gangguan' would not interfere with my pregnancy. Pagar diri with ayat kursi, 3 kul before tidur. However, it still came in the form of mimpi.. But I sort of felt that it was coming, susah nak tidur selalunya. During my 2WW, it came 3 times and result in uterus contraction. The first time was very, very painful that I vomited. 2nd time was mild as I was able to wake myself up before it got thru, so as the 3rd... I felt helpless... I started to feel that my boobs sakit, nak tidur pun kena hati-hati sebab sakit, but the pain quickly hilang after the first attack. However, 1 kept praying that the embies will stick despite the 'gangguan'. .

Ya Allah, Rahmatilah dan Berkatilah usaha
kami ini dengan kesudahan yang baik

On October 15th, I started cramping like my period was coming... Lasted almost 24 hours... I was sure the P was coming and well, I could not stop crying. I prayed hard.... And I survived 3 weeks! No bleeding what so ever. I started working in week 4. I was showing all the right symptoms; dizzy, my boobs swelled and hurt sometimes and I ate a lot!!! I was telling my friends that these time was different, I had cramping and dizziness. Kadang2 rasa mcm mabuk laut tu...

From not very confident, I became confident that it work, that I was definitely pregnant.. and according to the IVF calculator, I was supposed to be in my 7th week pregnancy on 24th Oct, the doc's appointment. Medications during the 2WW includes;

1 tablet 3 times daily

Injection Mon, Thurs for 2 weeks 

1 capsule 3 times daily, vaginally

I also took Brazil Nuts and Selenium to support the implantation... Tomorrow is the day, the doc's appointment.                                                                                                                

The One with the FET

I have another 3 embies in the freezer.. Remember?

So, let's start with the first appointment, we went to see Prof on the scheduled appointment 5th Sept 2013. . Looking thru my last IVF report, Prof noticed that, it was a difficult transfer process and hence he said that I need to do a procedure called Vaginal Dilatation. I was scheduled to have the procedure on 11th Sep, very close to my period date! We we given the admission letter as well as the blue form and I was to take Progynova on my CD2.

Cik P came on 10th Sep, I called MAC to ask whether I could proceed with the procedure and yes, the procedure was to proceed as plan... Boleh imagine tak?? he he he.. must be messy kan? 

So on the day, we went to MAC and got the procedure done and I took my first dose of the Progynova on that day. I was on sedation and did not know how messy was the procedure with my period and all.... he he he. Scanning scheduled on 17th Sep and alternate day after that. On second canning I was to increase the Progynova.

I was on pain for the whole folicullar tracking period. Cyst was already detected during first scanning.. sigh....!!!  Arcoxia was not allowed and Prof had asked me to take just Panadol Actifast. The pain was quite severe! The Progynova was the culprit! On the 3rd scaning day, my ET was ready = 10.1mm. So I was scheduled to have my FET on 26th September 2013.

I was in a very emotional state thru the week, waiting fot the transfer. Tak tahu kenapa, sensitive and very fragile. Rasa macam dah sedia, tapi tiba-tiba felt helpless and not ready. Tak tahu macamana nak describe the feeling. Airmata senang jer jatuh, nangis ok then nangis balik...What if the embies did not survived?...  So what is next?.. My uterus is not as healthy as it should be. The endo has emerged again... bla.. blaa... Arghhhhh! Hubby then said, kita hanya mampu berusaha, Allah yg akan menentukan. Buat apa pikir semua tu, bukan kuasa kita.... hemmm yer lah. Betul ler tu... Sighh....

We did discuss to also do alternative treatment alongside the IVF and decided to go back to Pusat Rawatan Islam Al Hidayah. We registered and got an appointment on 20th Sep. Pernah mendapat rawatan dengan Haji Lokman dulu. We were diagnosed of having gangguan... Well, we went for the treatment and again was diagnosed of having ganguan, both of us. Bila perawat tu merawatku, I started crying and coughing macam nak muntah. Scan Hubby pun ada gangguan. Tapi dia relax jer... I was prescribed Surah Taha ayat 60-82 utk baca lepas solat Maghrib/Isyak and Surah A-Zumar ayat 59-75 utk di baca lepas solat Subuh/Zohor/Asar. Hubby punya tak ingat.. tapi salah satu sama iaitu yg surah Taha tu... We started right away the routine of reciting the surahs and doa.

Then the day came, bertolak we all ker MAC dgn motor, sbb Hubby lewat, again!!! Sabar jer lah... Nasib baik Prof lambat sebab ada meeting. Alhamdulillah all embies survived the thawing process and however only two were transferred as one of them seem weird looking! One of 5 cells and the other one of 6 cells that were transferred, a clean and easy process. Alhamdulillah. And Hubby got to see the embies before they were transferred. 

Hubby got me on a taxi and we went home separate ways!!! I spend my 2WW at my sister's house. Mak datang 3 hari lepas tu...

Next entry... 2WW...

The One with Ramadhan and Aidil Fitri 2013

Picture from the net... thanks Google!

I would like to wish all Muslims,  Belated Ramadhan and Aidil Fitri 2013.

Ramadhan and Aidil Fitri went by not without happy and sad incidents. Whatever it is, I am blessed to be able to celebrate Ramadhan and Eid with my family members. Thank You Allah.

My 'P' came during second week of Ramadhan on 21st July 2013. Oouch, I thought I would be able to fully fast during this year's Ramadhan. After almost 7 months without 'P' and free of familiar pain. The non-fasting days lasted 5 days without any pain. Alhamdullillah. 

However, the pain emerged during the fertile days.... mild pain and no painkillers needed. My womb started to swell and I felt sad at first as I was hoping that the pain free period would lasted longer, at least 3 to 4 months after the treatment. 

Before went back home for Aidil Fitri, I did call UKMSC to make appointment as Prof has asked me to see him during my second period. I have estimated that my 2nd period would come somewhere within 15th to 18 August. So I tried to make appointment on the 19th August. However Prof is expected to be away to Europe and the earliest date he is available is September 5th. Hemmm, a bad start! Ada hikmah disebaliknya I hope....

Hope to meet Ramadhan again next year..... and hope I'll be better person approaching Ramadhan 2014. 

The One with the Post 3rd Operation and 1st Half 2013!

1st Half 2013?.. Well, am gonna update things happend January - May 2013... 

I have been living with Lucrin injection side effects for 6 months now. My last injection was on 15th April 2013. The main side effects that I have endured are hot flashes, sakit sendi-sendi dan tulang and lethragy. Sangat2 senang keletihan and tak tahan panas. I needs air-condition almost at all time. Though have had my last injection almost a month now, I still has the side effects.

Now I am waiting for my P to come. Need to see prof on my second P. I am gaining back the weight now.. huh so frustrating! But people still said that I still look small compared to before the opt. On the sakit sendi dan tulang, have to underwent physio for almost 2 months for upper back pain and my hand. Tak boleh angkat tangan. Sakit....Now Alhamdulillah...

Ok, lets move on to Birthday story.. He he he. Been away with Hubby to Langkawi for my birthday. Alhamdulillah the trip were great and we enjoyed the 4D 3N gateway.

Sunset at Pantai Chenang... 

Back from Langkawi, he asked me, 'Bila kita nak bercuti lagi...?'.. Hemmm, glad that he enjoyed the trip. About a week after that, he was away and .....

A picture paint thousand words...

Felt like masa baru-baru kahwin dulu... Cintan cintun and all.... So once in while gateway do helps to flourish relationship.. Next year, our trip will be to Krabi.

His Bday cake....
beli mana2 yg available jer.... nasib baik sedap!!!

On his birthday, for the first time, I actually forgot! Realised that it was his birthday, only towards the end of the day. It was Tuesday, his badminton day. So at about 4pm, I went to buy a cake and sent the cake to his badminton mate to bring to the court. I went to the court at a later time to celebrate after his game. When I did wish him, he said, ' Lambatnya wish...'. And I replied to cover my mistake,' saje nak buat surprise...'.. he he he.. Anyway the tiny birthday celebration went well... Alhamdullillah..

Then came General Election 2013..Huh? Well, just wanna say that I did my part, went home to play my roll of 'pengundi'. This time around I was in Saluran 3. There were 7 saluran at the pusat mengundi and starting with 1 for the elderly, 2 the fifties, and 3 the fourties... 

In May I went to Surabaya, 16th - 18th May. Jalan2 with girlfriends. Went as a millionaire! and came back as millionaire too. Not much shopping as I am going to Vietnam this coming June 13th. Visited Malang, 2 hours drive from Surabaya for the first day and the rest we were on Surabaya. Malang is similar to our Cameron Highland. Nothing much except the cool whether and all types of snack from fruits.

Variety of sambals for our dinner in Malang

Specialty of Malang... Kerepek

We also went to Madura island which is famous for Madura Batik but I didn't buy any. Some pieces of batik were selling at RM500 per pieces. There were highly priced as it took them 6 months to produce 1 piece of such batik.

This piece berusia ratus tahun and is poisoned...

> RM500 per piece..

UPDATE:

I might as well publish this post immediately, this post has been sitting in the draft for a month now... Hu hu hu..
 

The One with the 3rd Operation

Medical Leave????

This entry would include things happened from November 2012 till January 2013. A lot had happened... including 1.5 months medical leave!!

Early November, Hubby suggested that we went and saw Dr Amir Farid, a gynae that currently practising alternative medicine for my gynae problem. I have made appointment with Prof Zainul as my pain had become longer and longer cycle. In a month I would be in pain for about 2 weeks starting from my period up to after the ovulation. And people keep asking me whether I am with child since my tummy was quite big...

We went to Dr Amir Farid clinic with high hope that I can be treated with alternative medicines. After taken all my history, he asked us, '"So what do you want from me? You have undergone all the top procedures that  the medicine can offer". Then I told him that I would like his opinion on treating me using alternative medicines. After that, he continue his consultation and prescribed me with some 'lingzhi' with high dose. Being a gynae he had ultrasound machine and I asked him to scan so that we can monitor the size of my cyst or uterus.(At this time, I thought that my swollen uterus that made my tummy look big)

When he looked at the monitor, he looked surprised and quickly said that he had to withdraw his prescription as I needed immediate medical attention as he discovered that I was carrying a 16X10cm cyst. His word at that time was, ' You are a walking time bomb' !!!!

Fast forward, we went to see Prof Zainul as scheduled and he said that my tummy looked like I was 18 weeks pregnant. I needed to be operated again! And Prof was asking as why did I did not came to see him any sooner? I have no answer to that. The truth was I did not want to have an operation again! But now I had to for my safety. So I was operated on 22nd November, beside cysts there were also so many tiny fibroids that Prof could not took out all. Only 1/3 of the fibroids had been taken out. 

And now I am on lucrin injection. I have taken my 3rd shot on 18th January and my uterus had become normal in size, Alhamdulillah.  So starting from December and for up to 3 more months I am free of pain but have to live with hot flushes and mood swings. I have started working on 2nd January with new look. The slimmer me!! Yes, I have lost 5kgs. Alhamdulillah. So starting fro December and for up to 3 more months I am free of pain but have to live with hot flushes.

3 Embryos....

I am gonna do the FET- Frozen Embryo Transfer after my uterus is ready. So now, monthly I am scheduled to see prof to have the shot as well as to monitor my uterus. I have 3 frozen embryos from my last IVF. Those were the 1st grade embryos as I was told.

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim.... Perkenankalah dan permudahkanlah....